


Full of Grace

by tariana



Category: NSYNC
Genre: M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-29
Updated: 2018-07-29
Packaged: 2019-06-18 09:00:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 717
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15482292
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tariana/pseuds/tariana
Summary: JC thinks about Lance.





	Full of Grace

It's so fucking cold in here. I'd go turn the heat up, but it doesn't seem to be working. I'd get another blanket, but there aren't any-- I checked in the closet and all the drawers already. I'd get my coat, but I left it on the bus, and I'm not going to go all the way out there to get it. So I'm curled up, still fully clothed, under the thin blanket on this hard hotel mattress, trying to conserve what little body heat I have left.

It doesn't help knowing that you're in the next room. I wonder if it's as cold in there as it is in here, and decide that you're probably not cold at all, considering that she's there with you.

I know you love her. I'm not blind. I'm not stupid, either. That's why I don't entertain thoughts like this very often. I know you're too smart to get involved with me.

My world revolves around my music. I forget to eat when I'm working on a song; I forget appointments, I don't answer the phone or the door. I don't talk to anyone. I walk around in a trance half the time, I'm so concerned with not letting a single note, a single lyric, escape me.

You'd go crazy if you were with me. I'm so single-minded and you seem so well able to balance all the aspects of your life. 

I know I could love you. Hell, I already do. You're my bandmate; you're like a brother to me. I've held your head when you got drunk and spent hours in the bathroom throwing up. I've seen you at your radiant, glowing best and your ragged, shabby worst.

Lack of love is not the problem. Some days, I think my heart may burst from the love I feel for you. There are times when a single glance from you can make my entire day.

I would do anything for you. I'd die for you. I'd kill for you. I'd do anything to see those green eyes of yours look at me with love in their depths. But that wouldn't be wise.

You've got her, she's got you. You're happy. And it's easier for all of us this way. Can you imagine the press if they found out that even one member of N Sync was gay? I have a fair idea of what might happen, and it's very much not pretty.

When I first met you, my gaydar went off. It pinged so loud, even seeing you across the room, I thought I couldn't be mistaken. Takes one to know one, and all that bullshit. I was wrong, though. There've been nothing but women in your life, and not very many of those.

Jesus, but I'm lonely now. I can't remember the last time someone kissed me. I can't remember the last time I held hands with someone. I can't remember the last time I was held by someone who loved me.

Thinking about this always leads me down the same path. I begin to think about kissing and being kissed, holding and being held, and the face of the fantasy person with me morphs from that of an attractive but generic young man to yours.

Always your face, Lance. Always your face. I see it in my dreams. I see it when I'm awake, when I'm asleep, when I'm driving down the highway, when I'm shopping, when I'm reading, when I'm singing... especially when I'm singing. You don't know how many songs I've written for you. It would probably scare you if you did.

I don't know if I could love you better than this. I don't know if I'll ever get the chance to prove to you what you mean to me. I don't know what you'll think if I ever say those words, Lance. I don't know what you'll do. For now, though, I have my dreams and my wishes and the vision of your beautiful eyes.

That will be enough to get me through all the lonely days and nights ahead. It will have to be enough, because that's all I have.

It's better this way.

I know it is.

It's better this way.

It must be.

It's better this way.

It's better this way.


End file.
